WARNING: This contains information that is news to most of you and it is NOT the "fun" news that everybody wants to hear about. It is poorly written, but I have never claimed to be a writer or master of the art of writing. I am not ready to talk to most people about it...hang with me, I will get there. We hadn't even shared the good news before the crappy news hit us like a freight train. We had plan on delivering the good news over father's day weekend! If you aren't up for this type of news today, read it some other time!
Some things happen and all you can ask is Why us?? Why now?? Why does this have to happen? Why again? I am lost and don't know what is in store for us! God help us and direct us where you want us to go. If that is to be happy with the two beautiful girls that we have and not to want more....then let it be! I just don't think I can continue to get pregnant and loose it over and over again. One was hard enough, but two is twice as hard!! The thought that it could continue to happen is almost unbearable! Help me allow you to show me where to run when all I feel like doing is hiding and not coming out until the storm is over, yet not knowing when the storm will pass. Please God raise the dark cloud that has overshadowed my entire being. God, I know that you alone are enough and that we still have a lot to be thankful for and I don't deny that you have blessed us greatly...thank you God. Lord protect my heart for is broken wide open and only you can mend it....so I am asking that you put it back together how you desire it to be.
Please God give us the right words to talk to Jaylin and Kaylee. They ask when do we get to see Jesus and God in Heaven and don't understand that we can't do it now....for if we want to see THEM, why can't we. For now we get to look around at all the beautiful things He has made here on earth and to imagine that we have so much more to look forward to in heaven.
Then to tell them that we lost the baby and they now have two siblings in heaven. They haven't seen or touched the babies, nor will they be able to until we get to heaven. We don't know when that will be......explain that to 3 year olds??? Time is a confusing concept and death is incomprehensible. The only thing that they have actually lost is a fish or a toy.....not a actual being.
We "understand" loss, b/c we have experienced it over and over again. It is a part of life, not the part of life that anyone of wants to endure, but is it there. Since Brett and I have been together, we have experienced several losses. Some were very very difficult, but they are still with us in memory every day. This type of loss is completely different. We never felt or touched them. They were gone before we could even make memories with them. All we are left with is this emptiness and nothing to remember them by (unless you count the plant my neighbor got us...thank you for the beautiful rose bush). Left with a lot of whys, whats and where do we go from here!
What I do know is this: We had just switched Dr's as I didn't like the one I had. The Dr I have now came highly recommended by the ladies (4) that live near me. She has a huge case load and only takes new OB's. I had an appointment scheduled for the end of June that was supposed to be my first OB appointment. That has now been switched to a "lets try and figure out what is going on with you" appointment! She wouldn't have to take me as a patient since I am no longer considered a new OB, but she has agreed to look into the whys.....thank you God for that answered prayer! They will run some tests when my HCG level return to negative and first make sure I am healthy physically and then try to figure out why I am miscarrying. Both times I was in the middle of my 7th week...so something isn't right with me! We will wait until we get things figured out with me and at least 3-6 months before trying again. Pray for us as a family, myself - the physical healing from this and that I am healthy. Most of all pray that we allow ourselves to see what God has laid out before us and understanding of why are we going through this. I cling to the hope that everything happens for a reason and he does in fact have something wonderful waiting for us if we just open our eyes, mind, and heart to his desires and plan.
Last thing I want to leave you all with is a passage that a good friend of mine shared with me recently! It is a wonderful to know that God knew us before we were even formed and knows more about us than we do or anyone else in this world. That one day it will all pass away and we will spend eternity with him in heaven.
Psalm 139
O Lord, You have searched me and known me. You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You understand my thought from afar. You scrutinize my path and my lying down, And are intimately acquainted with all my ways. Even before there is a word on my tongue, Behold, O Lord, You know it all. You have enclosed me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is too high, I cannot attain to it. Where can I go from Your presence? If I ascend to heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the dawn, If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea, Even there Your hand will lead me, And Your right hand will lay hold of me. If I say, "surely the darkness will overwhelm me, And the light around me will be night," Even the darkness is not dark to You. For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them. How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand. When I awake, I am still with You. O that you would slay the wicked, O God; Depart from me, therefore, men of bloodshed. For they speak against You wickedly, And Your enemies take Your name in vain. Do I not hate those who hate You, O Lord? And do I not loathe those who rise up against You? I hate them with the utmost hatred; They have become my enemies. Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any way of pain in me, And lead me in the everlasting way.
Hope your week and weekend is blessed!
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Quotable Quotes from my Kids
- *I am going to start a running list things my kids say so that we have a record of them!*
- 11-26-09 Thanksgiving dinner. We are eating and begin talking about our favorite Thanksgiving food. We then got to talking about our favorite restraunts. After everyone has shared theirs, Kaylee pipes up, "I think Austin's favorite restraunt is mom."
- 11-25-09 Sitting at the table eating and discussing what they want for Christmas. Jaylin was describing the Barbie and the 3 muskateers movie and at the end of her description instead of telling about the whole movie she says, "Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah." Too funny and don't know where she picked that up!
- 11-15-09 Jaylin said, "He looks so cozy in his bed." If you ask them what they think of Austin, they both comment back, "He is so cute."
- 11-14-09 Kaylee was holding Austin and I came to sit down beside them. She then begin saying while pointing at herself first and then me. "I am not your momma, she is your momma. And no she doesn't have another baby in her tummy, it just looks like it!" She said this several times.
- 7-8-09 We have been watching 'America's Got Talent' with the girls and they love it. When they show the "not so talented acts," the girls definately have some funny reactions to the acts. Jaylin said, "what was that supposed to be mom?" Kaylee said, "that is definately not a talent, that would hurt!" That was after a man had his assistant staple money to his body...um yeah, not a talent! The really enjoy the young kids that perform and the dancing acts.
- 4-5-09 We sat down to eat this morning and when Jaylin was done eating she said, "I am a full Marvin now!" We say a lot as we are getting ready to eat, "are you a starvin Marvin?" Never thought they would call themselves a full Marvin...too funny!
- 2-3-09 Brett was down stairs replacing an electrically outlet and since he had to switch it out in the dark, the girls and I were holding flashlights so he could see what he was doing. As we were sitting there watching him screw the screws back in their appropriate spots...Jaylin says, "Gee dad, you are a good screwer." Poor kid had no idea why we were laughing and we weren't about to explain it!
- 2-2-09 I told the girls that we were going to Uncle Nathan's for a super bowl party. Jaylin dead serious comments, "Mom, Uncle Nathan doesn't have any bowls, how can we have a party at his house?" Little confused so I clearified that it had nothing to do with bowls, but about football. "Ok she said, Dad likes footbal!" Later while we were at Uncles Nathan's eating, she says,"Mom, thought we were going to eat in bowls?" So she still didn't get it! I reminded them that the super bowl game was on and told them that the Cardinals and the Steelers were playing. They resumed eating and later when we were sitting down and actually watching the game, Jaylin says, "Mom, what color is the takers team!" After laughing I told her the steelers are in the white and yellow!
- Jan 2009. I am not sure why they say this, but after I ask them a question and they know the answert to it, the sometimes say, "Ask me how I know that." Then when I asked them how they know that, they say "Because I am smart!" Not lacking any confidence right now :)
- 8-22-08 See the next comment to explain the background to this comment. I was playing ball on Friday night with one of the guys that Brett works with team. After a few minutes of being there, Jaylin runs up to Jeff and gives him a big hug and says, "Do you like my party shirt and my party shorts?" He just had to laugh and later asked what was the big deal with the clothes she had on.
- 8-16-08 Since the 4th of July Party, the clothes that each of wore for the party has been named by Jaylin and Kaylee as "our Party Clothes". Everytime we wear them the girls will make a comment. At the girls b-day party, Jaylin looks at me and says, "Mom you are beautiful, why are you wearing your party clothes?" Well honey, it is your birthday party, I thought it would be appropriate to wear our "party clothes"!
- 7-26-08 Kaylee out of the blue came up to me and said, "Just talked to Grandma and she said she was on her way down!" OK honey! Later it started to rain and she pipped up, "Mom, grandma just called and said she will come down tomorrow b/c it is raining." Can you tell the girls are ready to see their family!
- 7-26-08 It started to rain and Jaylin went to the patio door and as she was opening it, I said, "you can't go outside right now." "'I know mom,' and she opened the door anyway and said out the door, 'Thanks for the rain God!'"
- 7-25-08 As we were driving home with the windows down....Jaylin began shouting, "I love you Jesus and God. Hey mom can they hear me?" Yes honey, God and Jesus can always hear you. She then proceeded to tell Kaylee to say it as loud as she could. So both were shouting, "I love you God and Jesus." out the windows of the car!
- May-July 2008 When asked what their dad is, both of them usually respond, "my dad is a genius." Recently they have added cool to that. So now they say, "my dad is a cool genius!" I will get it on video tape before they are too old to disagree or think otherwise. Brett fed them the words in case your were wondering who taught them that....wasn't me!
- Sometime in 2008- Brett works on the renovation of the State House (Capital Building) and whenever we see it driving by, the girl's say, "There is Daddy's building."
- Started in May 2008- We have tried to teach the kids to use their manners all the time! Well, of course I still have to remind them to say thanks mom and one day I jokingly added, "you're the best." Well it stuck and they will usually say, "thanks mom, you're the best." That is fine at home, but not something I want them saying in public!!
2 comments:
I love you and all your babies, here and in heaven.
Libbi,
You beautifully describe how immensely hard this must be. If you get a chance, read Psalm 13. It was helpful to me. Love you, and thinking about you daily.
Valerie
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