Journal...this is more on the heavy side

We are still taking each day at a time and sometimes we have to break those days into hours. We have kept busy with lots of things, but it is still there and we still break out in tears over the smallest things: a song, a picture, a memory, thinking about the future and getting together with the rest of our family. Knowing that we will always have a void that can't be filled no matter how hard we pray and wish things were different...they aren't.

Through all of this we know that God is there with us, that will never change and we are thankful for that! Having been through this with Brett almost 10 years ago, Brett and I have a unique perspective on things. We also have the loss of three babies that we have almost no memories of. At the time I thought that was more difficult, but now I would say otherwise. We know that we will get through this and that as time passes it does get easier, but it will never go away. The memories of our brothers we have lost will be with us the rest of our lives. We talk about Travis, we talk to Travis and we share stories about him still. Brett has a lot more stories to share than I do obviously, but I still remember Travis even though I only knew him for a little over a year. I feel that even though he isn't here on earth with us, I have gotten to know him pretty good over the past 9 1/2 years through talking with Brett and his family. I was there to support Brett through the loss of his brother, now the roles have been somewhat reversed. Now instead of making new memories with Derek, we will talk about Derek, share memories of him, talk to him and keep him alive in our hearts until we get to see him and Travis along with many of our other relatives in Heaven. Not in a million years would we have thought that we would be doing this again, but we didn't think that after the 1st miscarriage we would have to do that again either. We just don't think about those things. We shouldn't have too! Isn't it kinda of like lightening striking the same place twice...it isn't actually supposed to do that, but it does happen. I know God has a plan for us and everyone, but "WHY this" is still a question that rings loudly in my head and heart.

One of the reasons I would say the loss of my brother is more difficult than three miscarriages is that I have so many memories of Derek. Daily things remind me of Derek. So while I feel that memories are part of what get you through difficult times, it is also what will make it take longer for me to get through this. I have also found that the days are getting more difficult for me and much of my family. I don't expect them to get easier for awhile yet. Having a bunch of things that needed done "helped" temporarily and now that I have time to sit, think, pray, write and reflect, I find that sometimes I am just consumed with sadness. Brett has known Derek for 11 years, and this is very difficult on him as well. Part of that is because he is reliving all the feelings and frustrations that took place after Travis passed away and the other part is that he has a lot on his plate right now. He has a family and extended family to love and support through this, two little girls who don't really understand a lot of what has happened and a pregnant wife who quite honestly is a mess for a lot of reasons! Then he also has his mother-in-law (who is a complete mess and it will probably take her the longest to effectively deal with this) living with him...so add it all up and he needs just as much prayer as the rest of us!!

Derek was more than just my little brother. I am the oldest of 4 children, but I was 2 1/2, Josh was 15 months when the twins were born...so to say I was the oldest seams a little off! Josh and I were just toddlers when Blake and Derek joined our family. We were pretty close growing up, the three boys even more than I b/c they were boys and they ran together. I tried to join in a lot of the time and some times I was allowed and other times...no girls allowed in that club! As we got older, things didn't change much except I was the "bossy older sister that never got in trouble." While we were younger mom was able to work at a job that gave her evenings and summers off so we were not alone. But there came a time where she had to find other jobs that didn't allow for her to have summers off. That meant that I was "in charge" of making sure us 4 kids got our list of chores done and stayed out of trouble. That is when the bossy older sister really took hold and hasn't ever been let go. They still tell me I am bossy! We had a lot of fun and didn't get into any major trouble...not that I remember anyway! Those summers I remember making forts in the basement, walking down to the little park and playing ball, hanging out with our friends, tormenting each other, walking to Alco and buying baseball cards (that I still have in my basement), doing our chores and hating every minute of it, just being goofy 10-13 year old kids.

I remember living in Imperial, NE and the boys (including Wade, Gabe and Tucker) had a fort/club and in order for a girl (me, I was the only one) to be allowed I had to pee in an abandoned toilet while the boys held boards up on three sides so no one would see me. Well, of course I wanted to be in the fort/club and they promised they would hold the boards up. I no more than got my pants down and they let go of the boards and ran up on the hill and laughed.

I remember...All three boys pinning me to the ground and tickling me until I peed my pants. Yes, they actually did that and they only did it once, b/c I am sure that it was only funny until it was gross and they got in trouble!

I remember going to baseball games and we would cheer for my brothers and all the people in the stands would wait and see which name we called out before saying each of the boy's names. B and D were the twins, but sometimes because of age, they all three played on the same team and they were thought of as triplets.

I remember spending hours helping Blake and Derek with homework! Probably one of the main reasons why I choose to go into the teaching field.

I remember the many breathing treatments that Blake and Derek had to take because of their asthma. I remember a trip to the ER with Derek and his chest completely caving in as he struggled to breath on the way to the hospital.

I remember the nightmares that we would have to wake them up from, tell them to go to the bathroom, get them a drink of water and walk them back to bed.

I remember Derek sleep walking outside to the back steps and curling up to go back to sleep. It was rather cool outside and a strange time, my dad heard the back door open and quickly found him. When asked what he was doing, he replied, "Waiting for Libbi to get home." I was definitely home and asleep in my bed!

I remember one night in the middle of the night, Derek came in and flipped on my light. Looked at me with a blank look and then turned the light off and went back to bed. I still to this day don't really know why he did that or if he really knew. Maybe he was just making sure I was home :) We sure gave each other a lot crap, but if push came to shove...we had each other's back!

I remember sitting in the living room of the house we grew up in. Brett and I would be watching a movie or whatever and it would be pretty late and in walked Derek from a friends house. Derek was an avid hunter....he would say, "I will be up in 4 hours to go hunting!" The first time Brett heard that he just looked at me and said, " who in their right mind would get up at 4 in the morning to go hunting and not go to bed before midnight?" Hunting was obviously something that Derek loved to do!! This also showed that he could run on little sleep. He was known for staying up late and still being the first one up and out the door the next morning.

I remember Derek taking a week off of work to come down and work in our Olathe house so we could sell it. How many people would take vacation to come and work. We had a lot of fun that week and Derek is a good worker. He did so many things that week and we couldn't have gotten everything done without him. He fixed holes in the wall, put up a drop ceiling in the basement, put trim up in the remodeled front rooms, helped Brett take out the kitchen counter tops and put a new one in and the list goes on. All in one week...he seriously was a hard worker!

I remember Derek telling me about one of the first weeks with the Department of Roads. He went to school for carpentry and worked for a guy that did remodeling before going to work for the Department of Roads in May of 2007. With that knowledge they put him to work remodeling here and there. The first time he meet his boss, his boss was blown away with the fact that Derek didn't stop working to talk to him. He just kept on working and talking. Not too many of us can say that about our work ethic!

I remember Derek yelling at all of us, b/c he couldn't find his keys. Yep, even Derek had a hard time of keeping track of his keys. Sometimes he even locked them in his vehicle....so he did have the same spare key as many of us...a coat hanger!

I am sure there are a lot more "I remembers" in my little brain, but I just wanted to post a few. I am sure I will add more later. The last few years were some of Derek's "best years" and honestly it breaks my heart that I wasn't there to spend more time with him and the rest of my family. Life doesn't always allow for that and there is nothing I can do to change it. Many of Derek's greatest memories and stories will come from the last 10 years that I was only a very small part of. So when the time is right, I encourage those family and friends that got to enjoy the past 10 years and/or all of his life to write those memories down for yourselves and if you want to, send them to me so others can read them. I understand many may not be there yet, but if/when you are ready to do so, I would love to read them and pass them along!

I still want to add more to Derek's blog and make it a place for anyone to visit and remember how great of a person he really was! I have figured out how to add a play list of his some of his favorite songs and have 19 of them on there. I will be adding more as I am able too! Not everyone has access to his list of songs and pictures, so that is one reason why I want to keep working on his blog. There is a song on his list that is rather funny (ok so there are a few), but it struck me funny as it talks about "check me out on-line, I am so much cooler on-line." Well, that song isn't necessarily fitting for Derek, but it was on his list and I had to laugh when I heard it. Just so we are clear...I will never be able to do him justice on-line, but it will be the truth about him. He was definitely much "cooler" in person and I miss him so much! Many of his songs make me cry, but there are a few that just crack me up, I can visualize him listening to and singing them.

Derek (and all my brothers), it was pleasure (most of the time) to grow up with you and even though I bugged mom about getting a sister...I wouldn't trade the time I had with all of you for nothing. I love each of my brothers and I know I don't tell them often enough. Remember....life is short and we never know when our time here on earth is going to be up. If you love someone...tell them often, every time you talk to them! I know raising 4 kids (that close in age) was not an easy task, but my parents did a pretty good job and I am thankful that God gave them to us...thank you Mom and Dad for a job well done. We are far from perfect, but we know what is important in life and do our best to help each other and others we care about out when needed.