Life sucks somedays!

WARNING: Most of my posts are full of pictures of my two kids, but this post is not and many of you will not want to read on. I am bearing bad news yet again and I really wish it wasn't the case. So I apologize if you are finding out this information via this!!


God's plan is always revealed in his time...but as humans we don't understand or know his plan so when things don't go as we "plan" them we are lost and disappointed. That is us again....three times in one year! Three pregnancies and three miscarriages...that definitely wasn't in "our plans", but why is it in God's plans????


We found out 2 weeks ago Friday that we were pregnant again. I was going in every 48 hours to have my HGC levels checked and the first week things seamed great....more than doubling! Then Monday they didn't double and Wednesday they went down. Thursday evening my OBGYN called to break the horrible news that this definitely isn't a "normal pregnancy" and here we are again reliving a nightmare that we just can't seam to wake up from.


Seriously...everyone has those dreams that occur over and over and you just can't seam to wake up fast enough. Somebody pinch me and wake me up NOW.....PLEASE.

I don't even know where to begin to explain my feelings and frustrations...I am angry/sad/raw/hopeless/ at the situation, but not at God. I don't understand why people who want children have to suffer so much and yet I can look around and see articles about women who dropped their child off at the hospital b/c they didn't want them anymore, 1 million abortions done legally each year, "man" pregnant with his second child, children being abused....and list goes on! I know we live in a sinned filled world and that God never promised an easy, painless life, but I never would have guessed that we would be traveling down this road.


After the girls, I have had a lot of issues that I never had before them. I actually thought we would have trouble getting pregnant again...not staying pregnant. Again it is clear that I have no clue what is going to happen in our lives. I am just thankful that this life here on earth is temporary and our hope is not in what happens here in this life, but the life that we will live in Heaven after this one passes away. We love the two kids we have and while we always dreamed we would have 3-4 kids, we might just have to be happy with 2.


Honestly I feel a lot like I did the times before, just this time I don't feel hopeful. We thought we had figured out the "problem" and was headed in the right direction to fix it. Wrong yet again . I am still doing battle with insurance on a the blood they took in June to diagnose the MTHFR. Insurance doesn't cover any genetic testing and that is our next step. They also don't like to cover some specialists which is our next step as well....so unless the petitions from my current OBGYN are successful, we will have to take this as a clear sign from God and be done. We have cleared out our "Flex" money for the year...we haven't done that since 2004. At least in 2004 we had two babies to show for it...this year we have nothing but broken hearts and a lot of pain on every level imaginable.


I do not expect anyone to understand or even respond to this horrible news I just unloaded...but I do ask that you pray for us and understand that I may be distant for awhile...not b/c I want too, but 3 in 8 months is a hard pill to swallow and the realization that we are probably never going to have another healthy pregnancy and biological baby just crushes me right now!

Jaylin and Kaylee don't know what is going on....they just know that mom is sick and will be "better" in a few days. They both still ask when they will get a baby brother or sister and now they are wanting to think of names. Jaylin brings it up more than Kaylee and Jaylin has always been more "motherly". All I say right now is we don't know when God will give us another baby, but if he does, we will worry about the name then! They seam ok with that answer, but they sure do bring it up often....trying to keep from crying is difficult when this topic is brought up! I don't ever want the girls to feel that it is their fault that I am crying so I do try very hard to keep the tears back when we talk about these things.

Pray that I don't land in the ER a few weeks later with more issues like I did after the last one. I am not taking any pain meds for fear that they will cause blood clots. I have a call into the doctor and hopefully I will hear more back today and they will give me something to help with the physical pain. But that is only temporary (I can handle the temporary pain) it is the emptiness and the emotional pain that is going to take me awhile!

As of right now, I have a "follow" up appointment scheduled for Dec. 10th and maybe we will know more after that...but then again, we may not know any more than we do right now if insurance isn't willing to budge on things.